Through the Years
by Morganeth Taren'drel
Summary: John thinks back through the years while watching his boys


**AN**: I want to apologize for the long delays on The Same Coin and Too Little Too Late, due to a medication I was taking –and this has happened before- I lost the 'focus' I needed to write. I'm struggling to get back into a writing frame of mind, and a friend of mine prompted me with this story idea. I'm thrilled to say that I was able to write it all in one day. It's been far too long since I wrote like this. I hope you enjoy this story!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own the characters from Supernatural.

**Through the Years**

John fought back a jaw breaking yawn as he pulled himself out of the warmth of his bed.

"He came! He came! Santa came!"

The litany of excited utterances had pulled John from his sleep just as surely as his son bouncing up and down on the bed between himself and Mary. He'd known it would be a short night for sleeping, three year-old Dean had been far too excited to sleep.

"C'mon daddy!" Dean called excitedly, small hands wrapping around John's left hand to begin pulling on his arm.

"Alright buddy," he said with a smile ruffling Dean's soft blond hair, "We're coming."

Dean took off back down the hall, excited laughter trailing behind him.

John smiled as Mary slipped her arm around his waist as they made their way down the steps; the lights from the Christmas tree filling the living room with a warm glow. Dean was bouncing around near the base of the tree, green eyes wide as he stared at all the presents.

"Just let me put on some coffee for mommy and me," John said leaning down to kiss his wife's head as his free hand stroked her slowly expanding belly. It wouldn't be much longer before they extended their family once again.

---SPN---

John blinked back the powerful memory as he stared down at the pitiful excuse for a Christmas tree which stood in the corner of the tiny living room. If it had just been him, John knew he would have done away with the holiday. There was nothing worth celebrating only a gaping hole in his life where Mary had once stood. She'd been torn away from him and with her his concept of the world.

His eyes had been opened, and John knew now that he would never be able to rest. There was evil out there and he could hardly believe he'd been blind to it for so long.

With a slow sigh, John stepped away from the tree with its tiny blinking lights, and made his way down the hall to the boys' bedroom. It was for his son that John had summoned up the strength to put on this show.

Dean had been excited for Sammy's first Christmas, already talking about it months in advance. John remembered the smile he'd seen on Dean's face as he held his little brother in his arms, and told him all about Santa.

That smile was gone now, along with everything else.

Stepping inside the bedroom John first made his way to Sammy's crib where his youngest was squirming around pulling at his little feet. "Hey Sammy," he said smiling down at the baby.

Sammy's eyes lit up, and he reached with tiny grabbing fingers for John to pick him up. Across the small room John heard the covers shift on the bed and he glanced over his shoulder to see Dean sitting up watching him.

Those green eyes didn't shiny the way they used to.

Holding Sammy against his right shoulder John stepped over to the bed, "Merry Christmas Dean," he said turning Sammy's around in his arm.

He didn't expect any words in reply; Dean hadn't said a thing since the fire had destroyed their lives. It had been John's hope that this one day, this attempt at a normal life might possibly help his son.

Sammy clapped his hands excitedly reaching for his big brother, and John saw a flicker of light in those sad eyes as Dean moved to the end of his bed.

"Why don't you show Sammy what Santa brought for you."

Dean accepted his little brother, holding Sammy with surprising ease as he walked out into the living room.

John found it hard to believe it had only been one year since that happy Christmas.

---SPN---

John sighed at the memory; finding it hard to believe he could now define even that day as a happier time. One glance over to Dean and John felt his anger rise the fury of the storm directed at both his sons. Sam for leaving the security of their family, and Dean for losing sight of the hunt they were on.

Pulling the Impala up to the door of their nondescript motel, John shut down the engine and got out. Snow was falling heavily around him silencing the world even as the sky began to lighten as the sun rose on Christmas day. Reaching into the back seat of his car John pulled out his bag and Dean's slamming the door just as his eldest was finally making his way out of the passenger's side.

John kept a careful eye on Dean as the twenty-four year-old made his way inside the motel room. And he wondered, not for the first time, if he'd made a mistake placing Sammy into Dean's arms at such a young age. It had felt like the only thing he could do in order to get some reaction of life out of Dean. But seeing the way his son looked now, after Sam had left. It was like the light had left his eyes again, only this time John lacked the ability to bring it back.

"Merry Christmas..." Dean muttered bitterly as he dropped down on one of the hard beds.

---SPN---

John watched from a great distance, his mind purged of those old memories as he watched his boys sit down in yet another cheap motel room, another hunt put behind them. He saw the Christmas lights shining through the window as Sam and Dean exchanged their meager gifts.

It was Dean's last Christmas, and John knew better than anyone what waited his son on the other side. Once again John was left wondering if he'd in effect damaged his children with the way he'd raised them. It was a life he now knew Mary had never wanted for her children, she'd hidden it from them and he couldn't blame her for that even if her life could have been spared had they known.

When he'd placed Sammy in Dean's care so many years ago, he'd never stopped to consider in the end how that would effect Dean's life. Dean had sacrificed himself for Sam, just as John had for Dean, and he just prayed the cycle would finally end.

It was a dark legacy that he had left for those boys.

"Merry Christmas Dean."

"Merry Christmas Sammy."

Thanks for Reading!

Morganeth Taren'drel


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